Too Much To Think...

You ever thought about the same thing so much you become it?
You ever sat for days thinking about something you know damn well you cannot change? There is nothing you can do and you would still pull your hair out looking for a solution?
So much lately I've heard the words "You gotta just let go"... What the fuck does that even mean? I've heard "You don't know how it feels to..." Really? I don't?
Not one person I know can ever imagine the things I have seen, had to deal with, or experienced. All alone, since I was 13. Not even saying boo hoo for me, just saying, don't tell me "I have no idea".
I've made my place in the world, and now I have to go there. But my place isn't here, so this is me letting go. This is me taking care of myself first. And even tho sooo many people will miss me, and I will be scared shitless out there, I have to do this. I HAVE TO. If I don't than I won't be living. I'll just be alive. Like everyone else. Bitching about the things I never did and waiting for the world to end.
It really amazes me how much people let fear lead their lives, from where they live to the things they eat. Fear of street life, and welfare food. It just amazes me the same things people fear is the same thing I was raised on, does that mean I was raised by fear? I feel like the only fear I have in my life is letting people down, or fear of being surrounded my unhappy people. When I am around an unhappy person I will do anything to make them happy, even if it means giving them my last dollar and being broke for a week strait, or giving them the shirt off my back in the snow and than dying of hypothermia, yep Im that girl. Probably because my whole childhood I was surrounded by unhappy people. They were unhappy because of money, living situations, ect. And when I "grew up" I made sure I could make enough money to not worry about anything I needed, that I had my own place to call home and feel comfortable, and that the people in my life were also happy. I swear doing things for other people will be the death of me. I always have this reoccurring dream that Im doing something extreme to save a loved ones life and sacrificing my own.
All in all, good-bye California. And everyone I know in it. I'll be spending my last holidays here in the bay and than January its full speed to New York City. Why do I wanna live in a place people call America's Toilet you ask? Well I say WHY NOT??
-Paki

Stuff.

So it's been some time since my last entry, and FUCK a lot of shit has happened in my life.
But now is not the time for that.
My birthday is tomorrow and Ill be 23...wow
Does that mean Im an adult now?
Am I getting too old for this shit?

Love.

So this whole love soulmate thing really has me perplexed. For instance, I feel like I've found my soulmate, but over the years have realized maybe we don't have as much in common as I thought. But on the same side of things we make an excellent team! We take care of each other, we are here for each other, but why do I feel this way than?
I'm pretty sure we all know the answer to this one, NEW YORK CITY! Oh geez, I want to move there so bad I'm considering leaving my entire life behind to leave alone and start and new life alone. Start completely new! But I do have my doubts. Being in NYC this past May I realized that being in NYC without him sucks, so is it really worth it? I mean ya I had tons of distractions, made a ton of amazing friends, stayed up all night, slept in all day, did whatever I wanted to. I felt so free, but when I'd leave my adventures to go home alone, I wanted him there. I wanted him there to talk about my day with and to cuddle with at night. How selfish of me though, I wanted him there when the day was done, but during the day it was hard for me to even remember to call him. Im selfish. But I'm young so what can I even really say, I want what I want, but I can't have my cake and eat it too.
I feel like 23 year old me wants to put things on hold and just peace out, but 28 year old me keeps telling me this is what you want and what you need and if you leave it now you'll never get it back...I know I'm lucky, but I also know life is short and I need to live or 28 year old me will have a lot of regrets.

Cali.

California to me is filled with nothing but people who want nothing more than to stay in CALIFORNIA! Which is ok. But its like why don't you get out in the world and live your life? Why are you so satisfied with staying in one place? I think its mainly fear that keeps people where they are. Fear of whats actually out there in the world, and hell half the people that do leave COME BACK! WTF? Grow Up!

I'm here....

Being here this long was NOTHING like I though it would be. I mean first off there are way too many people out here the same time as me that are from the bay. And second Im alone. Like really alone, not literally speaking, but figuratively speaking for the first time in over 3 years...weird.
I love the bay to pieces but I haven't found it to hard to get used to the city. I feel like the city gets me. Every where I go I feel like something there reminds me of home which in a vi-curious way keeps me sane that I'm in a state where a medicinal herb is illegal. Fuckin federal government always fuckin our shit up.
I will MAKE change.
I will provide.
I will conquer.

p.s New York I love you.

37 days..

In 37 days I'll be waking up and getting on an almost 6 hour plane ride with my dear friend Joe to the other side of this country! And I am more excited than this blog allows me to show!! DO CAPITAL LETTERS HELP!!!?? AHHHH I can't believe this time I'll get to stay twice as long, and with a dear dear friend of mine that I miss very much.
I've been working so much these days, and people keep asking me when am I going to stop, and I reply, WHEN I GET TO NEW YORK!

How you gonna win when you aint right within??

Today is a new day and today for me is more than that. Today is the day I choose life, the day I choose to CHOOSE for myself! I had like a 2 hour long conversation with my Aunt in Texas that raised me, and she told me something I really didn't know. She told me that I had CHOSEN! I chose the life I have thats why Im here. Not just because of the people that influenced most of my life but because of ME!! I am very proud of myself, for taking care of my brothers whenever I could my whole life, and now actually taking care of them under my own roof! Im proud for overcoming my inner demons, not getting stoned and forgetting them, getting stoned and DEALING with them LoL!! go me!