Too Much To Think...

You ever thought about the same thing so much you become it?
You ever sat for days thinking about something you know damn well you cannot change? There is nothing you can do and you would still pull your hair out looking for a solution?
So much lately I've heard the words "You gotta just let go"... What the fuck does that even mean? I've heard "You don't know how it feels to..." Really? I don't?
Not one person I know can ever imagine the things I have seen, had to deal with, or experienced. All alone, since I was 13. Not even saying boo hoo for me, just saying, don't tell me "I have no idea".
I've made my place in the world, and now I have to go there. But my place isn't here, so this is me letting go. This is me taking care of myself first. And even tho sooo many people will miss me, and I will be scared shitless out there, I have to do this. I HAVE TO. If I don't than I won't be living. I'll just be alive. Like everyone else. Bitching about the things I never did and waiting for the world to end.
It really amazes me how much people let fear lead their lives, from where they live to the things they eat. Fear of street life, and welfare food. It just amazes me the same things people fear is the same thing I was raised on, does that mean I was raised by fear? I feel like the only fear I have in my life is letting people down, or fear of being surrounded my unhappy people. When I am around an unhappy person I will do anything to make them happy, even if it means giving them my last dollar and being broke for a week strait, or giving them the shirt off my back in the snow and than dying of hypothermia, yep Im that girl. Probably because my whole childhood I was surrounded by unhappy people. They were unhappy because of money, living situations, ect. And when I "grew up" I made sure I could make enough money to not worry about anything I needed, that I had my own place to call home and feel comfortable, and that the people in my life were also happy. I swear doing things for other people will be the death of me. I always have this reoccurring dream that Im doing something extreme to save a loved ones life and sacrificing my own.
All in all, good-bye California. And everyone I know in it. I'll be spending my last holidays here in the bay and than January its full speed to New York City. Why do I wanna live in a place people call America's Toilet you ask? Well I say WHY NOT??
-Paki